…
A.
Alma,

I put on a scarf today. It is June 26th. I have turned in to the crazy old lady who works at the theater. Ooooh, I am gonna teach some acting today.

Rachael Mason ‘96

B.
To My Gay Men Friends,

Listen up you dirty birdies, just because you CAN have anonymous sex in the bath room at Little Jim’s DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD. Have a little self pride and don’t go sticking your dicks in every glory hole you see. Show some restraint and party responsibly. Let’s make this the best PRIDE WEEKEND EVER!!!

-Rachael Beard Mason

C.
Hey! You Jew Hating Fuck!

Member’ that scene in Lethal Weapon when Riggs pops his shoulder out to get out of a straight jacket? Well my husband popped his shoulder out at softball the other night while taking base, put it back in while on base, ran home, and crushed the ball his next at bat.
Fuck you, you dick eating sexist! My husband is a real life bad ass, not some pussy farting, swearing, Australian douche bag.

-R. Mason ATHEIST

…
I. Dear Tracy,

Congratulations!

In Awe,
Rachael

II. Fredward-

I am really missing you and Stuart A LOT Lately.

-Mama Masone

III. Dear Will Smith-

I’m not even sure how to begin this letter… My husband has a man crush on you, which I KIND of understand. You are rich, famous, cool. Handsome even. I mean you don’t need to hear any of this. You probably already know it… and my telling you all of this probably just inflames your ego. You already KNOW you can get any woman and MAYBE any man. You’d probably go after my husband just to see if you could get him… and you probably could. I want you to know that I’ll kill you if you even think about it. I have my eye on you. You stay away from my husband.

-R. Mason, Knife Owner.

…
Uhmmm,
I saw your UNICEF ad. UNICEF is a great institution and children ARE the future and I am in no way making fun of them, the charity or the work that they do, but…. uhmmmm, even YOU can’t believe that YOU are now THAT guy with THE voice talking about The Children. Super queer balls. Makes me wanna donate. You are perfectly charming.

Slighty Delighted,
R. Mason

…
* Author’s Note- Today Cab 351 remembered me. He and 1800 are friends. They were on the phone together. 351 is Algerian. 1800 is Moroccan. I had wondered. I thought 1800 was Bosnian or Serbian, the kind of younger Muslim who wears a NY Yankees hat. He picks me up when I am running late. I apparently run late a lot. 351 told me that 1800 said hello. -R

To The Driver of Cab 1800

I would let you pray quietly.
I’d raise your sons.
Let you train our daughters.
I would honor you.
Make love to you.
If you were my husband…
You are not.
For now I will stop taking so many cabs.

-Destination Clark & Eddy

…
To Whom It May Concern,

Why DON’T you have a plaque or something like an online list somewhere to commemorate all the Road Warrior Alumnus from the Touring Companies?

I will not accept, “the rosters change to often” as an excuse.

Update the plaque once a year like you do The Stages’ Plaque and update the website weekly. Organize the list by Co. Blue, Red, and Green.

They deserve it. They are your good will ambassadors. They work just as hard as your stages, maybe harder cause they travel and THEN perform.

Just something for you guys to think about.

-Rachael Mason (Blue Co.)

…

To The Person who left a Goodly Amount of Vomit in front of iO…
I bet you never thought 5 grown people would go out of their ways to not have to be the one who would clean it up.
You are DISGUSTING,
R. Mason

Esteemed Donna Simon Dunn…
Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on. I know who you are. I’ve heard about you. Fancy.
You book A LOT of Theater,
Rachael Mason Johnson

Hey Charna…
I am not an idiot. Artists, Poets, and Geniuses.
Right?
-R

Hey, Getting Too High? I was wondering if you were only a dream. Have I just been wasting weed, burning through grass like an idiot trying to get to you? Am I just wasting money on $70 eighths in vain? Do you even exist Getting Too High? I seem to be able to do my taxes on Opium (true story). If I’m just chasing some mystical dragon, let me know… cause I’ll reacquaint myself with Being Just High Enough.
-Mason

And HOLY FUCK ASS, two unsolicited SHIT STARTING bonus letters!!!

Sofia Mia- Daddy loves you very much… even though he’s an idiot. –XOXO RachaelMason

Joe Canale- Stop being such an idiot. Love- Mason

…
People tell me to write more. It’s not that I’m not writing… I’m just deciding what to post. Here are several unfinished letters that I abandoned for one reason or another…

An Open Letter to… The Very Important Person:
You are not important. Rich or famous… the universe is cold and huge, You too will die… with the poor and menial. Why is it you feel so entitled to more when you clearly can’t take it with you? Fuck

On Open Letter to My Father…
You called me today to tell me that your wife’s father had died. You wanted me to call her and express my condolences and even asked that my husband and I send a card… Lately I’ve been thinking about how profoundly sad you were after mom died. I’ve never seen a man

Dear Grandma-
I remember when we went to Europe. You and I went on a cruise to every county bordering the Mediterranean. Frequently I couldn’t keep up with you. I was all of 11 and wearing new shoes and kept losing you in a crowd because you were so alive and walked too fast. I remember a man cursing at you in the Kasbah of Tunisia. He told you to “fuck off” for haggling too low. Then you told him the same. I laughed for days. I remember chasing you up the Great Wall of China. You chose to climb the side marked “Difficult” and again I struggled behind you. I remember playing soccer with you with the 6 boys you and I were babysitting together, ages 4-9. I remember a strong vibrant woman who could go in the pantry and feed a table of 11 in 20 minutes. You seem so small now… small and angry, perhaps even hateful. Perhaps losing your husband and two children in 5 years would drive me to hate too. Grandpa was a salesman who preferred to stay on the road than to listen to you. You are an awful, terrible

Dear Tommy-
I’m sorry I took your virginity in a 3 way with another guy, I was

Dear Howard Dean-
Where are you? What the fuck are you doing. You are letting candidates tear this party apart. The Pubs aren’t going to win… DEMS ARE GOING TO LOSE. Torn asunder. How will we take either one of them seriously when one wins the nomination and the other one has to kiss their ass. Divided we fall

…
Dearest Katie Landfear,

Love of my life and sister with the universe. To you my friend and love! I celebrate you today! I shuffle Mike Doughty in your honor. I ask my coworkers if it smells like farts in my office… and reveal t’was I who farted. I sing of your love and enormous heart and bosom. You lust for life and joie de vivre! I swim in your pool and drink of life’s wine. I thrill to know you and your mind. I thank the gods that some one is laughing at what I am laughing at too and it is you. You are so strong and beautiful and hilarious and a neck breaking, no shit taking, book writing, movie making, businesswoman. And though you are far away living your live and inspiring with your adventures, I take comfort in the fact that I can see you in the faces of your wonderful family who took me in like kin while you are away.

-R

Dear Steve Kaminski,

Wanna go blow a lot of coke? Like a lot. A super fuck lot, a weekend of 8 balls lot, a Scarface desk pile lot, a rock stars death on the toilet lot?

…Yeah. Me too.

-Mason

PS- Katie has some… I think.

Mr. D’Onofrio,

I’ve only written a second open letter to God and Oprah, so you are in very esteemed company. I decided to re-address you because I did a disservice in my last missive to you. I thought, while penning your last letter that I was enamored with you, that I wanted to make love to you. I have only recently realized that’s not what I want from you at all. I want to act with you. I want to be the Blanch to your Stanley, the Desdemona to your Othello, the Rosencrantz to your Guildenstern. I want to act next to you, stage kiss you, take a curtain call with you to a standing ovation after a grueling rehearsal process. You are known as the actors’ actor, wiling to transform your body and mind for the part you are to play. I find all of that cerebrally stimulating. I’d like to discuss your process with you. I’d like you to watch mine.

Respectfully,
R. Mason
Actress

PS- I bet you’d be super fun to blow coke with.

…
My Dearest Darling XRT,

Thank you for allowing me to attend a great concert and thank you for allowing me to attend that concert from the comfort of my own sweet ass living room. By broadcasting night 4 of Wilco’s five day “residency” at The Riviera on the radio and web, you not only allowed me to sway to California Stars in my pajamas while smoking a jay, but you allowed the world. Oh, XRT, You could hear all the fan boys cream there when Jeff talked about Obama and then sing along to every song with him… just like me, but I was at home! We could ALL, everyone of us, living (and hearing), sing tonight with much passion, but off key and dance like idiots and seriously tear up upon hearing our favorite song as if it was being played just for us… wether we had a ticket or not. FUCK! I can’t fucking wait to go tomorrow. I hope I don’t pass the hell out from sheer joy. XRT, If I could, you know I would just hold your hand and you’d understand, I am the fan who loves you.

The Saxophone Started Blowing Me Down,
-R

PS- Thank you for Breakfast With The Beatles too.
PPS- and Flashback Weekends
PPPS- and The Regular Guy
PPPPS- and Lin Brehmer and Terri Hemmert
PPPPPS- and Blues Breakers
PPPPPPS- and The Eclectic Company… ’specially tonight.
PPPPPPPS- and yes, even Frank E. Lee.

AND PINCH OFF YOUR JIZZ!!! Some WILCO Related Bonus Letters!!!

Jeff, you ARE right. We should all give a damn AND sing at the top of our lungs. Sometimes.

Obama, I’d take Jeff up on his offer. He did say free. A CAMPAIGN SONG FOR FREE!

Suzie, You are my hero. He is some man. (He is the man that loves you.)

…
Dear Elizabeth and Staff:

I am very proud to be a part of your sweet ass site.

-Rachael Mason