…

To The Person who left a Goodly Amount of Vomit in front of iO…
I bet you never thought 5 grown people would go out of their ways to not have to be the one who would clean it up.
You are DISGUSTING,
R. Mason

Esteemed Donna Simon Dunn…
Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on. I know who you are. I’ve heard about you. Fancy.
You book A LOT of Theater,
Rachael Mason Johson

Hey Charna…
I am not an idiot. Artists, Poets, and Geniuses.
Right?
-R

Hey, Getting Too High? I was wondering if you were only a dream. Have I just been wasting weed, burning through grass like an idiot trying to get to you? Am I just wasting money on $70 eighths in vain? Do you even exist Getting Too High? I seem to be able to do my taxes on Opium (true story). If I’m just chasing some mystical dragon, let me know… cause I’ll reacquaint myself with Being Just High Enough.
-Mason

And HOLY FUCK ASS, two unsolicited SHIT STARTING bonus letters!!!

Sofia Mia- Daddy loves you very much… even though he’s an idiot. –XOXO RachaelMason

Joe Canale- Stop being such an idiot. Love- Mason

…
People tell me to write more. It’s not that I’m not writing… I’m just deciding what to post. Here are several unfinished letters that I abandoned for one reason or another…

An Open Letter to… The Very Important Person:

You are not important. Rich or famous… the universe is cold and huge, You too will die… with the poor and menial. Why is it you feel so entitled to more when you clearly can’t take it with you? Fuck

On Open Letter to My Father…

You called me today to tell me that your wife’s father had died. You wanted me to call her and express my condolences and even asked that my husband and I send a card… Lately I’ve been thinking about how profoundly sad you were after mom died. I’ve never seen a man

Dear Grandma-
I remember when we went to Europe. You and I went on a cruise to every county bordering the Mediterranean. Frequently I couldn’t keep up with you. I was all of 11 and wearing new shoes and kept losing you in a crowd because you were so alive and walked too fast. I remember a man cursing at you in the Kasbah of Tunisia. He told you to “fuck off” for haggling too low. Then you told him the same. I laughed for days. I remember chasing you up the Great Wall of China. You chose to climb the side marked “Difficult” and again I struggled behind you. I remember playing soccer with you with the 6 boys you and I were babysitting together, ages 4-9. I remember a strong vibrant woman who could go in the pantry and feed a table of 11 in 20 minutes. You seem so small now… small and angry, perhaps even hateful. Perhaps losing your husband and two children in 5 years would drive me to hate too. Grandpa was a salesman who preferred to stay on the road than to listen to you. You are an awful, terrible

Dear Tommy-
I’m sorry I took your virginity in a 3 way with another guy, I was

Dear Howard Dean-
Where are you? What the fuck are you doing. You are letting candidates tear this party apart. The Pubs aren’t going to win… DEMS ARE GOING TO LOSE. Torn asunder. How will we take either one of them seriously when one wins the nomination and the other one has to kiss their ass. Divided we fall

Dearest Katie Landfear,

Love of my life and sister with the universe. To you my friend and love! I celebrate you today! I shuffle Mike Doughty in your honor. I ask my coworkers if it smells like farts in my office… and reveal t’was I who farted. I sing of your love and enormous heart and bosom. You lust for life and joie de vivre! I swim in your pool and drink of life’s wine. I thrill to know you and your mind. I thank the gods that some one is laughing at what I am laughing at too and it is you. You are so strong and beautiful and hilarious and a neck breaking, no shit taking, book writing, movie making, businesswoman. And though you are far away living your live and inspiring with your adventures, I take comfort in the fact that I can see you in the faces of your wonderful family who took me in like kin while you are away.

-R

Dear Steve Kaminski,

Wanna go blow a lot of coke? Like a lot. A super fuck lot, a weekend of 8 balls lot, a Scarface desk pile lot, a rock stars death on the toilet lot?

…Yeah. Me too.

-Mason

PS- Katie has some… I think.

Mr. D’Onofrio,

I’ve only written a second open letter to God and Oprah, so you are in very esteemed company. I decided to re-address you because I did a disservice in my last missive to you. I thought, while penning your last letter that I was enamored with you that I wanted to make love to you. I have only recently realized that’s not what I want from you at all. I want to act with you. I want to be the Blanch to your Stanley, the Desdemona to your Othello, the Rosencrantz to your Guildenstern. I want to act next to you, stage kiss you, take a curtain call with you to a standing ovation after a grueling rehearsal process. You are known as the actors’ actor, wiling to transform your body and mind for the part you are to play. I find all of that cerebrally stimulating. I’d like to discuss your process with you. I’d like you to watch mine.

Respectfully,
R. Mason
Actress

PS- I bet you’d be super fun to blow coke with.

…
My Dearest Darling XRT,

Thank you for allowing me to attend a great concert and thank you for allowing me to attend that concert from the comfort of my own sweet ass living room. By broadcasting night 4 of Wilco’s five day “residency” at The Riviera on the radio and web, you not only allowed me to sway to California Stars in my pajamas while smoking a jay, but you allowed the world. Oh, XRT, You could hear all the fan boys cream there when Jeff talked about Obama and then sing along to every song with him… just like me, but I was at home! We could ALL, everyone of us, living (and hearing), sing tonight with much passion, but off key and dance like idiots and seriously tear up upon hearing our favorite song as if it was being played just for us… wether we had a ticket or not. FUCK! I can’t fucking wait to go tomorrow. I hope I don’t pass the hell out from sheer joy. XRT, If I could, you know I would just hold your hand and you’d understand, I am the fan who loves you.

The Saxophone Started Blowing Me Down,
-R

PS- Thank you for Breakfast With The Beatles too.
PPS- and Flashback Weekends
PPPS- and The Regular Guy
PPPPS- and Lin Brehmer and Terri Hemmert
PPPPPS- and Blues Breakers
PPPPPPS- and The Eclectic Company… ’specially tonight.
PPPPPPPS- and yes, even Frank E. Lee.

AND PINCH OFF YOUR JIZZ!!! Some WILCO Related Bonus Letters!!!

Jeff, you ARE right. We should all give a damn AND sing at the top of our lungs. Sometimes.

Obama, I’d take Jeff up on his offer. He did say free. A CAMPAIGN SONG FOR FREE!

Suzie, You are my hero. He is some man. (He is the man that loves you.)

…
Dear Elizabeth and Staff:

I am very proud to be a part of your sweet ass site.

-Rachael Mason

…

CTA,

Yesterday I was going to write you an angry letter, one that impugned your dignity and questioned your sexuality. I was going to call your ancestry in to question along with your religious preferences. It was to begin, “You cock sucking mother fuckers, you vampires, you thieves…” Then I heard that the dispute between you and the “government” was settled. I was really mad about my train station being closed and the signs that asked me to take the bus in stead, and then there were those fucking signs on the bus that said the busses were being cut. How dare you close my train AND then cut my bus!? 81 bus routes to be exact. Seemed like a super steep cut considering the money YOU JUST GOT the last time you threatened to do all of this, but “someone” relented and “someone” gave you more money and now in a year my el station will be ready to handle Olympic sized crowds. But today on my still running but imperiled bus, I heard that fucking shitty announcement that bus-mageddon is going to break loose that I need to call the CTA 1-800 number to stop my bus from being cut, that the “government’ is screwing me… again. ACTUTALLY, CTA, IT IS YOU WHO ARE SCREWING ME. When I heard the announcement, I was exiting, so I could ask the bus driver what the 411 was. “I thought the dispute was over?” I said. He said, “Blagojevich wants all seniors to ride free. That’s $15 million a year we’d loose. He’s holding it all up.” I exited the bus. Perhaps, CTA, you have never seen arthritic hands fumble for change in the cold, or a wife pull her husband’s wheel chair on to a kneeling bus. Perhaps you have forgotten that ALL SENIORS SHOULD RIDE FREE, that there is so little that the elderly have, that just maybe the lifting of that burden is deserved. That it’s hard enough to have to go out in the cold to the Dr. or to the store to buy food or to the CVS to get medicine with out having to worry about how you are going to pay for it. That we can give the elderly of this town one perk… that should be enough incentive to stop this dispute. I bet I can find $15 million for you. How about this year YOUR TOP 15 PEOPLE MAKE 20 MILLION INSTEAD OF 21? How about you trim the fat of your DISGUSTING CEO/CFO salaries and spread it out on our/the elderly’s bread? I haven’t gotten a raise in 3 years. If I can handle that, I bet you guys can. So in short, get fucked where you breathe, fuck you in the shitty ass, I hope you are raped with a rich man’s money clip. Fuck you if you don’t make this right. There are a LOT of people who depend on you SO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELVES and start fucking thinking about the millions of people who depend on you.

I’ll burn my smart card and walk,
R. Mason

To Anyone Who Wants to Know What I Did With The Anonymous Donation that iO Received…

Robert Brown does standup Monday nights. He asked Nick Vatterott where he learned about the improv skills he obviously and deftly uses in his act. Nick sent him to iO. Because Robert’s only income was earned by selling Street Wise, he paid me $20 bucks just about every 2 weeks or so. If he didn’t have it, he’d call me and let me know and I’d wait till he did. I like anyone that’s honest or stand up… heck; I even like Stand Ups themselves. Robert will be the recipient of The (tentatively titled) VIRIGINA MASON SCHOLARSHIP FOR THE TRULY DESERVING. His classes at iO are covered. I’m personally looking forward to seeing Robert … walk in to every scene? Nerd/burn out on Improv? …become the kind of Fearless, Supportive player that Del dreamed about? Yep. That one. I’m personally looking forward to seeing Robert Brown become the kind of fearless, supportive player that Del dreamt about.

Thank you for your interest,
R. Mason
iO Training Center Director

…
در سرس,

There is a point where fearlessness is no longer sexy, where conviction crosses the line of mania… when willingness to die seems like you are simply wasting life. How do you love a man that lives in and on that even horizon? How do you lead that man? What am I supposed to do with you? I, personally, am afraid of you and all of your profound relationships with God. It takes a VERY special woman to influence you, be it sexually or politically, …to distract you from God and remind you that you are human. I, however, could not be covered, no matter how much it helped you to not be distracted while you pray. I could also could not just obey you just because. Well, what if you were wrong? I’d think i’d still love you. I’d accept you and cherish you if you were wrong. Not stone, snipe, bomb, or behead you immediately. I want to just remind you that Zeal and Zealotry are different and brut force isn’t always absolutely necessary. What sort of life would we really be living if we were all ready to die?

-R

…

Ms. Bhutto,

I am so very sorry for you and your country…
for all of us, really…

Clinging to what little faith I have left in Humanity,
R. Mason

This one’s a… big one.

Dear “Confidentially Yours”-

I received this note from you:
“Charna and iO Chicago Theater, I recently inherited $4,000 from a friend’s Mother who died of breast cancer. She was a wonderful woman and great philanthropist, and she requested that I donate the money to a performing arts organization(s) of my choice. I wanted to give a portion of the money to the iO Theater, so I have enclosed a money order for $1,000. I spent 10 years performing at iO Theater, and have a great deal of respect for it as an organization and a great deal of affection for the people there. I hope the theater continues to grow and thrive forever. Since this is an unexpected windfall, I hope it can be used for a fun luxury item on the theater’s wish list. I know Rachael Mason’s Mom died of the same illness as my friend’s Mom, so perhaps a portion of the money can be used for some event in Rachael’s Mom’s name. -Confidentially yours in… PEACE (Siochan) and Friendship (Cairdeas)”

Just when all hope is lost, just when things seem really dark, a light comes, something wonderful like this happens and it reminds me why I love what I do and the people I do it with. “Confidentially Yours”, thank you for reminding me how wonderful it is to be alive. That one person can change things and do good. You have no idea how much your donation means to me, never mind iO. Thank your for proving that this community cares about itself and the individuals that make it up. Your postmark leads me to believe you are from Wilmette and your use of Gaelic would suggest that you are Irish. Who ever you are and where ever you are from, thank you for being a wonderful and kind person. I may not know who you are, but I know you are good. That’s all anyone should be.

Yup, I cried while I typed this,
Rachael